“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”