[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Accurate
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
a badder mouse
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?