when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
At least he brought enough for everyone
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it