[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes
Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?