when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site


me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-


me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-


Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.


4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.


Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.


If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes


Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?