When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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Swedish for common sense.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
They did not miss in the small print
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.