When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay


“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”


Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.



“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”


“sorry i couldn-”



Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.


woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.


I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.


BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder


Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.


If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.