When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs