When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Childbirth is so beautiful
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
why would tinder want me to say this
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]