When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.