“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.

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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…


*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*


I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car


Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.


If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.


everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”