Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.