@markleggett

“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.

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@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@djdarrellripley

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@anjadrisch

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@ElayneBoosler

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”