So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother