When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You Might Also Like
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Life is a suicide mission.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC