When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Hell yeah 👍
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.