When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.