@GregHenchman

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

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@drinksmcgee

Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*

@Prof_Hinkley

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@TweetPotato314

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?