When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.