When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:


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Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*


I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one


you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous


Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
And fromage


A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.


Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?


Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?


[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?