@Talkinghands69 When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”
@Dustinkcouch 911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
@CelebrityChez I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
@sofarrsogud DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
@dadcid one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
@Darchstar00780 Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.
@KittyShittyy If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
@Just__J0 My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
@softzenik me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018
@meganamram Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
@AminaMarx update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared