When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

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911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail


I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.



*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.


one small step for man one giant step for a really small man


If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.


My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.


me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared