@Talkinghands69

When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

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@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@dadcid

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

@KittyShittyy

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared