Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The three genders.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?