@Talkinghands69

When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”

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@markedly

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@FAETREY

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

@tedtheboi

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

@looksliketuttut

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

@pittdave13

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

@PFTompkins

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.