My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.