When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
How I’d get arrested…
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
This made me chuckle.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.