When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My Sentiments Exactly
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Whoa 😂
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.