Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
one last job
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.