When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
😂😂😂
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public