@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

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@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@WheelTod

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@shawnspree

Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.

@Playing_Dad

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

@momsense_ensues

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.