When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

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If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.



I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.


Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!


I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.


I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.


me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order


I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.


*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”


*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.


*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*