My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You Might Also Like
‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’
~ pharmaceutical ads
I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.
[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.