When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I think we should hear other voices.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.