When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Worst bar ever.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?