When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
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12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Word!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.