When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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getting old is fun
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I saw nothing
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.