When your man makes a valid point
You Might Also Like
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My beach vacation Google searches
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?