My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work