[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion