@alldrolledup: when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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@Parker_Simpson: It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
@KyleMcDowell86: If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad's house
@: [first day in hell] Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food? Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit— Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.