@alldrolledup: when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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@roostermustache: Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again
@Kyle_Raney: DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*