when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Current mood: Potato
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The 6 types of sex
handsome & gretel
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter