When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you’re just built upside down.

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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.


I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.


What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.


[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*


[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No


To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.


[finds sock with hole in it]

*gets angry*

[puts sock back in same drawer]

*repeats forever*


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*