my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
You Might Also Like
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
fair
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas