When your parents check you’re ok.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The funk soul brother
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.