@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

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@ksujulie

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

@Iwriteforcats

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@mattZillaaaa

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

@mynameisntdave

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@jessokfine

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

@AbrasiveGhost

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy