when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.


An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.


All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.


But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it…


Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-



By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.


I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.



Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.