“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy