I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?