When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.