@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

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@jackiembouvier

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@squirrel74wkgn

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

@WheelTod

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

@pudding_club

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

@sarah1mc

I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.