When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*seductively eats two tums*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I love art.