The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Oceanography is all about current events
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”