Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
You Might Also Like
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
spot the difference
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: