When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about