“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock
If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.