When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.