When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
What is going on? 😅
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
i want to work in this restaurant
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Meow
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.