Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
You Might Also Like
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.