When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
All generalizations are stupid.
#TopTip
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.