@BoomBoomBetty: When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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@sip_at_home_mom: I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there's a chance I'll need them.
@Rollmaninoz: *First day as a spy* Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy? *flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over* Me: Ohhh yeh
@Kris_Florio: "I'm so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there's anything I can do, just name it." "How are your resurrecting skills?"