@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

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@david8hughes

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@DrakeBell

In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”

@GrantTanaka

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@JohnHilsen

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.