When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My patience has stretch marks.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*