when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter