When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.