@PressOneForNo

When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

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@fro_vo

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

@SeanINCypress

If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

@H0TMessBarbie

I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

@deskslave1

When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”