A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I’m in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Him: I don’t trust myself round you
Her(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.