When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff


If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.


I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.


I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.


Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.


Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.


If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler


prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya


When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”