We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
New tinder profile pic
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.