@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
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@WhatsHerFace33: "Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
@InsouciantMan: Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day. How do you apologize properly for something like that?
@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet. FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it? Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?