Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Yup!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Natural selection at its finest
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?