When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Thank you corporation very cool
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.