when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

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My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.


My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.


[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still


Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU


#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women


Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.


What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?


Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?