@70Ceeks

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

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@CaniacMONK

My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

@Gooooats

My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.

@HughGoesThere

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@meganamram

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

@BBQJones28

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?