@70Ceeks

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

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@UncleDuke1969

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@bourgeoisalien

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@Faux_Ma

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

@panmidwest

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@ClichedOut

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time