when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?