Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
M: You’re a PEACH!
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time