@Henry_3k

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

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@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it

@Sickayduh

A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@WildeThingy

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

@TweetsByTheTony

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@Nicoleroxxu

My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5