When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

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I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.


Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.


Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!


The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.


*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA


The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*


This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.


Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?


[Sticks note to your door with a knife]

I had a really nice time last night