When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
How can I say no to this ?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits