When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

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our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it


A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps


WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first


[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”


Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.


I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”


In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.


Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs


My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.


[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5