When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on


Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.


Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.


Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce


Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds


Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?


Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.


ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome


Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?