@RunOldMan

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

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@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@ariscott

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

@StupiDucker

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

@KeetPotato

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

@ZiziFothSi

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

@jordan_stratton

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”

@CantEven101

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.