When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you鈥檇 like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I鈥檝e been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn鈥檛 it?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it鈥檚 mammal time
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married