What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
My brothers’ families:
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE