@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

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@pilau

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@goodballs

How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.

@Tytayniss

Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???

@hello_saylor

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

@ArfMeasures

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

@freedom2726

If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.